Captain Vogel wrote:

I like how you've begun the story, it's made me laugh already a few times. Looking forward to seeing a fellow slicer in action!

Thank you! The second part is a bit more serious though, since she's actually working. And yeah, second part up. Thinking there will be four or five parts right now. Could be wrong!

Everything seems pretty good so far. Really enjoying the read and your character really pulls off a nice funny/interesting persona quite well. Looking forward to seeing where her plot takes her next.

Thanks for the comments! I'm glad you all are enjoying the story so far, and I'm enjoying the hell out of myself writing it. But I'd definitely like to hear some criticism too if anyone has any.


Also,  the most recent scene, I took some liberties I think? I can't imagine the Star Wars universe not having raunchy dancing and cantinas with dance floors.

I personally love how messed up she got by the end--physically and financially. That's definitely a great way to handle the twist. ^.^

Not scared in the least to take the beating and still make it work for the greater good of the story - if not perhaps your character.  And in one fell swoop - she now has also created a 'need' for the Syndicate (and for the first time in her life - a paycheck!) as well as possibly created a re-occurring nemesis in Jevan, who - if he decides to pursue her, will find himself quite well funded to employ all the best resources at his disposal.  A bitter irony that her own money will be used to help track her down.

I love it.

Cpt. Vogel,

I think this is an issue where I didn't properly convey the setting. The general idea was in the cantina he couldn't get a good enough look at her face to place her identity until they had gotten to his apartment, and he wasn't really thinking too hard about it until he found the picture. His 180 might still be too sudden, but I didn't know how to continue it in a different way that kept the flow going.

Thanks for the comments everyone!

Davgii wrote:

I will say it is sad to see that Keshani won't be in the billionaire club with Davgii.  They could've worn top hats together...

That's a great mental image. 
Seriously, though, I'm glad she's back to near nothing, as I see immense wealth as a tool that could easily be used to make a character too powerful, as money could fill in most weaknesses they might have. Also, it makes it a challenge to reconcile when the game starts and you have 0 credits and have to do odd jobs just to afford training.